OTHERSIDE - Short #3

You can do everything, you just can't do it all at once (at least I can't)

Okay, so hindsight is 20/20 (duh), and while I’m immensely proud of this short, I’m also painfully aware every time I watch it how many mistakes I made. So before I rip myself up on my missteps, I’ll take a second to say how proud I am of myself and this short. It’s the first thing I’ve ever written, directed, and starred in, and it was based on a real and vulnerable experience in my life.

Lacey Jeka and I on the set of “Otherside”

"Otherside" -- While escaping an abusive relationship, a woman finds the help of an unlikely stranger in an epic fever dream to find faith in herself again.

The complete “Otherside” should you feel inspired to watch <3

In 2017 I finally left a five and a half year emotionally and physically abusive relationship. This substack isn’t about that, so I won’t go into too much detail, but that being said, I’m an open book and happy to chat with anyone about it. Anyways, parts of my journey in staying and eventually leaving are how this short came to be, so I’ll talk about that. I wish I were like Lena Dunham and that I had a natural ability to synthesize and process my emotions in real time, putting them on the page in a coherent manner moments later. But…I’m not.

I wrote “Otherside” as an essay for no one other than myself, probably six months or so after I left my relationship. When I did leave one of the tipping points of me leaving was a woman who was essentially a stranger to me, came up to me, grabbed my hands and said, “vibrate at the frequency you were intended to vibrate at, those who are meant to stay will stay, those we are not, will be repelled. It’s science.” Later that night, I smoked a joint at a wrap party and had what I can only describe as an out-of-body experience. My friend Elanor guided me to the bathroom, and I puked out all the bad energy from the past five years and woke up the next morning with more clarity than I can ever remember having. I left him less than two weeks later. To anyone at the Loosely Exactly Nicole wrap party, Eleanor and I were not doing coke in the bathroom; we were reaching new levels of consciousness.

Still from “Otherside” with myself and Lacey Jeka

But it’s with that vibration principle that I went after everything (and still do). I’m going to be exactly who I am, follow what feels good, and the rest of it? So be it. So I wrote the essay, and it sat on my laptop for a few years. Then later, after “No Man’s Land” was done, I decided that I wanted to do a more personal piece and dove into trying to make my essay into the scripted format, and when I tell you it took MANY forms before taking a short…it continues to morph on my final draft archives. I wrote the first draft, and my producer/manager, Nathan Mardis, was able to see the story more clearly than I even saw it. Seeing that each character was a version of the same person.

When we went to shoot the short, I wrangled the usual suspects into making something with me, and we got to work. I decided to star in the short as well, which, in hindsight, I’m not sure that I would have done. At the time, I really wanted to do it large in part because it was my story that happened to me, and I struggled with letting go of that. In addition to that, there was a catharsis I got from “reliving” something that had been traumatic, only this time being completely in control of the narrative and surrounded by people who love and champion you. This short, at its core, is about the voices and inner knowing we have as people and how I had ignored those voices for years. So sue me, I starred in it. And…not to be a bitch, but I was really good. I cast some of my favorite people: Lacey Jeka (duh), Clare McNulty, and Rebecca Robles, and it was a wonderful experience. My husband was my DP again, and we created something outside of what both of us were comfortable with, and I think while he and I are both critical of the outcome, we did a wonderful job.

Lacey Jeka, Clare McNulty and I on the set of “Otherside”

I think a piece of us all want to write, direct, and star in our own work, and not because we’re control freaks or don’t know how to communicate or delegate (which those may be at play) but because creative autonomy is super seductive and I think in some instances, necessary. I think some of my desire to do it all on this short was just that, that I wanted creative autonomy, to hear my voice on its own for a second. Which we should all be doing on some level, exploring what exactly our creative voice sounds like on its own. But if I’m having an honest moment of self-reflection, I think it’s also because I was afraid that I didn’t have the toolbox or skill set yet to effectively communicate what I was trying to say, or worse, I hadn’t done enough homework to have the correct clarity to bring my vision to life. Because of that, I leaned a little too heavily on my DP, which, thank god, Stew is very seasoned and was able to seamlessly pick up the slack and help me create something gorgeous. I also had a fantastic AD, Alejandro Ramia, who I’ll work with again and again, given the opportunity. If you’re looking for an incomparable set demeanor, look no further than Ale. The lesson here is, surround yourself with people better and more seasoned than you, always.

We left the camera at the last location, and Ale saved the day :)

I also realized that my favorite moments in the short film were when I was just directing and watching the other actors shine. I got a piece of advice from a mentor years ago that told me, “Pick one and do it well.” I don’t know that this applies to everyone, but it does apply to me. So, gun to my head, directing is my favorite thing in the world, and now, when I’m on set, it’s my sole focus. I still write a lot of my works that I direct, but I think that marriage is more seamless. But enough with the self-flagellation. This short was a blast. It was my first venture into sci-fi and my first time working with new producers. Which, you guessed it, I was a backseat producer again! But this time we’re reframing the word.

I was clear with my producers that I don’t like secrets kept from me. If there’s an issue, I want to know right away. I’m not the director who likes issues to be hidden from me. Unless I’m quite literally in the middle of directing a take, let me know. I want to help solve and make sure that you feel supported. My other new rule I developed?? Locking in a Key Grip that my DP trusts (I see you Forbes) and Sound Mixer as early as possible. I don’t think this is grounded in anything other than when I know there’s a good grip and good sound mixer around, I feel better.

During post, my editor, Jon Higgins, and I spent a lot of time having people who had never read the script or even heard the concept of the film watch the short and then having them repeat back to us what the story was about. Even if you have a straightforward script (which mine was not), I think it’s good practice in the edit to have people watch your short and tell you what they are getting from the story.

Still of me in “Otherside”

My composer, John Mehrmann, also scored this short top to bottom with original music, which, if you’re lucky enough to find a John, I highly recommend giving that a go. Below is a voicemail (one of many) that I got from John, and it is a peek into our creative process. I think I might have mentioned this earlier, but I shot list and write to music, so I think about what the film is going to sound like extensively before I ever see a frame. My tone tends to be a blend of indie-gritty and grounded drama with heightened and absurd characters. A dangerous tight rope to walk that can be perceived as “confusing,” if you’re not careful. Speaking from experience! Through trial and error, I’ve learned that my tone is given cognition through music. Thank you, John, for making my brain make sense!

This is a voicemail John left me while we were trying to figure out what “Otherside” sounded like.

Now, I lead by saying that when I give people a pile of my shorts to watch, it’s this one that resonates the most with them, and that people most enjoy. It’s also this short that didn’t get into a single festival. After getting rejected from everything, I submitted it to some of the online fests, and it wound up premiering at Film Shortage. I love Film Shortage, they were so fantastic and supportive, and everyone should submit to their fest. After that, it got into a few fests here and there, nothing major, and then later it went on to win “Best of Fest” at the Rogers, Arkansas Short Film Festival. I say all of that to say, please, God, don’t take rejections personally. And I say this as someone who still, at times, takes them personally. Hard not to, I get it. Like…deeply. But it’s not about you or the film, it’s about the mandate and program that the programmers are trying to fill. Anyway, again, I’ll tin foil hat about fests later.

Since I shot “Otherside” I have developed it into a TV series and am currently taking it out. If you’re interested in hearing about that process, let me know! I don’t think that this is a rule of thumb, and some people will get annoyed at me for this one, but for me, if I’m directing and or/writing a short film, I want to know that it has legs in other areas. Is it a proof of concept for a feature or a series? Is it a mandate for a submission? “No Man’s Land” was both a mandate for a submission as well as a proof of concept for the feature, and “Otherside” was a tonal concept for the series. I use the “tonal” concept as…if you read the pilot, the two things are cousins, not sisters.

Lacey Jeka and I on the set of “Otherside”

Oh, also, just to give you all a frame of reference on how long this process has been, I wrote the essay in 2017, it is now 2025, and I’m taking out the show, and if you’ve ever taken out a show…this process is long and laborious. But it’s also great?! I love the world of “Otherside” and it’s a story I’m excited and happy to keep pursuing. Make sure that whatever you’re taking on, you are passionate about on some level, it makes showing up for it over and over again easier. Not to be woo woo, but I also believe in divine timing with stories. If a project isn’t getting off the ground, it’s probably because it needs more time to incubate. There are pieces of “Otherside” that I didn’t (or couldn’t) see or understand until years after the fact. Have patience with yourself and with the story (talking to myself here).

Keep going, keep showing up.

Hugs,

Buckels